Warning This column contains racy content not suitable for decent folk. Read at your own discretion.
To say that my father’s cousin, Archie, is a man of misadventure may perhaps be an understatement. Whole volumes could be written about his misadventures both in the outdoors and everyday life.
However, it is those outdoor misadventures that certainly have the most color to them. From nearly being drowned by a six-foot catfish to run-ins with faux black panthers and relatives dressed as ghosts, it really is a miracle Archie is still around.
As dad tells it, Archie was mortified of the dark and the cousins took particular delight in nighttime adventures in graveyards and down moonlit country roads where fabled black panthers were reportedly seen just so they could scare the daylights out of Archie.
But Archie tells a mighty fine hunting story. Most begin with; “So I got my chair…” Maybe not technically “lazy,” Archie never saw any point in putting out any extraneous effort when it came to work or leisure activities if it wasn’t necessary.
As such, he’s spent most of his 70-some-odd years of deer hunting leaned back in a comfortable chair along a game trail dozing while waiting for an unsuspecting buck to wander by.
If there is one thing Archie does get excited about — and let me paint you a picture of a heavy-set man about five-foot, ten-inches tall garbed in a pair of overalls and boots and often shirtless — it is food.
Every year when the blackberries come in season around Sugar Grove, Arkansas, Archie would disappear into the dense woods, harvesting wild blackberries from secret groves far back in the Dry Creek Wilderness.
Now, as everyone knows, black bears love blackberries too and Archie has had more than his fair share of run-ins.
Once he was busy filling a bucket with blackberries, sampling them extensively — one for the bucket, one for me — when a large black bear suddenly reared up on its hind legs just on the other side of the blackberry bush.
Archie carried a .44-magnum revolver on his hip for just such occasions, but the sudden experience of coming face-to-face with a massive bear put Archie’s feet into action before his brain, he even dropped his precious cargo as he made tracks for the truck.
Now, whether that bear actually gave chase or stopped to take advantage of the pre-picked meal Archie had so kindly left behind is unknown, but what is known is Archie, at some point, decided the bear was behind him, pulled his .44 and fired all six shots over his shoulder as he hot-footed it right past his truck and down the road. He never even glanced back to see if the bear was there.
When it came to black bears, ghosts or demon wildcats, Archie could give ol’ Usain Bolt a run for his money.
But the closest call Archie ever had with a bear came one year while he was back in his blackberry patches picking up a storm. Popping fresh berries in his mouth and daydreaming about the jams, jellies and pies he’d make, Archie never heard the bear sneak up behind him until suddenly two, massive, clawed arms wrapped Archie in a big ol’ bear hug around his shoulders.
Terrified, Archie stood petrified as the bear’s hot breathe buffeted in his ear. With no other option at hand, Archie reached back and started feeling around until his fingers touched something more substantial than fur.
He grabbed a big handful and squeezed and as he did so the bear let out a little grunt. Realizing this might be his chance to escape, Archie suddenly began jerking hard on that handful of bear meat and as he did so the bear’s grasp weakened.
After a few moments the bear’s arms dropped away, freeing Archie, and, like a bullet from a gun, he shot out of there headed for home once again.
This time, Archie glanced back to see how much of a lead he had on the bear. Far behind him the bear was still standing where Archie had left him, his tongue lolled out one side of his mouth and a big bear arm waving, beckoning Archie to come back.
Levi Hill is an award-winning journalist, outdoorsman and gunsmith from Jal, N.M. He began shooting at the age of two and writing for press while in high school. He can be reached at hillmanoutdoors@gmail.com.
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